At the beginning of the awakening, and what unfolded out to be the year that of the forgotten. We find ourselves here pondering about why this year? Why now? Why us? Why me? Many of us either lost our way or found ourselves amid the heartache and hardships. Our inner being has evolved during this internal and external war that we all have been going through. We have lost people who made a monumental impact on our lives. The storm of a virus that has taken our loved ones, and changed our surroundings. The patterns of racism that have been inflicted upon us in this country, and eventually leading to death. Some of us may even doubt our sanity, happiness, and the realness of others. For me, I found myself almost entering the sphere of depression, sanity almost overlooked, and distrusting the purpose of the universe and continuously asking myself, how did I get here?
As young people, we have the urge of discovering our purpose in life. When I was in middle school, I eventually discovered the door of my purpose while reading “Still I Rise” by Maya Angelou. That door represented the rest of my life, and how I wanted to walk in a room and embrace the attention of others with my stride and voice. Although, being locked up in the same space for almost six months can adjust your mindset a little bit. Once I felt my mentality running to a cliff, I thought to myself that maybe I wasn’t doing enough. With every creation, goal, or achievement, I seemed to always ask myself, “is this enough?” However, the same door that I thought was my destiny, ended up being repeated generational curses too. The desires that I had emplaced in my life became the continuous pattern of the lust of perfection.
These patterns were molded by some who have raised me to being the woman I am now. Where eventually I lost the purpose of what being a human truly is. Why can’t I make mistakes? Can I not be impactful to others without being defectless? I was becoming the person that I always said I never wanted to become. The more I wanted success for myself and others, the more I found myself losing my sanity. Loneliness finally graced the surface of my heartache. It comes a moment where you realize that you need other potential outlets to enjoy the fulfillment of life. When you don’t know who to call or talk to, instead of feeling whole you feel empty inside. Sometimes I just wanted to go on long car rides and enjoy beautiful music so I could seek the beauty and happiness in being. I wrote poetry to write all the times where I felt somewhat joyful. At times I wanted to give up on everyone and everything, but I stepped back and looked at the perplexing scene that I had created. The endless question that I had asked myself was, “have I lost myself?” But at that very moment, I couldn’t look at 2020 as a curse anymore, but instead, an opportunity to find the purpose of life. And this is when I finally needed to reach out to the universe…
Ms. Universe, out of all the people connected to you, you have overheard my cries and prayers. The nights longing to be transformed into a more elevated being than just me. I once discovered myself relishing for others because I didn’t adapt to the impression of living. Because of this, I forgot to love myself due to steadily giving others my time and loving. However, that isn’t always a bad thing because it’s good to give most times. But when I found myself in the most lonely states, it was as if no one was there. Wondering if this was just a roadblock in the beautiful journey called life. If I was inadequate to get to know myself in ways that I never thought could be true. As well as, understanding that my family still needs me to be present through the happy and dull days. And defining my dreams and goals in life. In some ways, I lost part of myself during these times and I felt as if I was trying way too hard to smile. Because I was locked in the same four walls mentally and physically, I slowly lost my purpose in this world. How do we gather our sanity, Universe?
The purpose of 2020 is the time for you to relearn yourself and idolize the pleasure of this year. We’ve spent so much of our time crying over the sad times we became numb to the idea of life. Many of us forgot the importance of smiling and laughing with our family and friends. We all know that depression, heartbreak, grieving, insanity, unneeded relationships, racism, expectations, and disappointment are real! However, happiness, peace, forgiveness, and gratitude are all real, too. The ability to pick yourself up when you find yourself falling is one of the greatest possibilities that we can all have. The complexity of life is like a puzzle continuously being solved piece-by-piece. Although, the cries were worth it because we finally became the person we dreamed of. If you search deep enough, you can find connectedness of the soul with the trees, blue skies, and even the stars that light up the night. When walking out of the door of melancholy and stepping into the door of endless euphoria, you will finally reach the next chapter. As well as the pleasures of reciprocating the energy to others.
Maya Angelou once said, “I’ve had rainbows in my clouds, prepare yourself so that you could be a rainbow in someone else’s cloud.” To remain sane, you have to take the time to be human, enjoy both quiet and loud days, accomplish your goals, and most importantly GET TO KNOW YOURSELF. From the beginning of this quarantine till now, we should find ourselves transforming into the authentic person we crave to be. Once you feel rich and pure mentally, you will finally captivate the heart of the universe.