I go up to the stage

My hands are clamming and my heart is thumping loudly against my ear drum

I keep my mouth closed by biting my bottom lip,

Anticipating the judge’s first word

He looks up at me with his glasses gently sliding down his face

 

Depression,

The word escapes his mouth and I knew those three syllables all too well

A noun, I spoke

The feeling of being numb to your emotions and indulging in worthlessness and no motivation

It’s that feeling of trying to get out of bed,

But your wrists and feet are chained to the sheets, yet everyone says it’s all in your head

 

Until you realize it is

And your feet instantly touch the floor as the

Gravity or what I call my regrets and self

Loathing pull against my skin,

Slithering down my body

The way my tears use to trail down my cheeks

 

I miss being a little brown baby.

Where my mother always held me with my head up,

Ready to face this world’s misery head on,

but now,

They tell you to be positive,

But I feel as if life is yanking my head down

lower and lower

Until I breathe in dirt from the earth

 

The people I use to hang out with are mere crumpled up

Memories as I forgot the joy they used to bring me if they ever did,

And then I wonder if they hate me as much as I hate myself.

 

Depression

 

D-Destroying my body instead of my thoughts

E-The exhaustion of my existence is becoming unbearably heavy these days

P-Positive thinking is not in my vocabulary

R-Repeating the same day on different days with the same toxic environment

E-the emptiness that fills every crack and cranny of my body, which makes me feel hollow inside

Yet my bones feel heavy with every excruciating

Step I take

S- Suicidal ideation cloud my thought every hour of my living-breathing day

S-Sleep all the time to try to escape thoughts because you are your worst nightmare

I-I’m tired can’t even comprehend how drained my soul is

O- Old me wanted so desperately to come back,

But I can’t remember a single day not feeling this way

N- Nobody loves me, nobody loves me, nobody cares.

 

Depression is like having a lively smile, yet with the most deadest soul

 

The judge had an unreadable expression on his face as he told me I was correct. I knew I had spelled it right, but was he talking about the meaning as well?

 

The next time I was called yo was for round two

 

The judge squinted at his note cards and read the word ‘lonely’

 

Lonely, I said,

Adjective

L-Lacking in the companionship or in my case lacking in the people who will appreciate and understand your spirit

O-Only staying at home to spend your time listening to your negative thoughts and the hums of your voice.

N-Never meeting new people because you’re scared of meeting the same people with a different face. You know, the same people who can’t comprehend the way you think.

E-Experiencing both peace and hatred by oneself, because the wrong people you surround yourself with tire you out

L-Longing for someone to love and cherish you because one cannot do that for themselves

Y-Yearning for better, but settling for less

 

I am not lonely when I am alone by myself

I am merely lonely when I can’t seem to have a connection with someone whom I so desperately want to pour out all my love to in a room full of many people

But the same faces

 

Lonely

 

Yet again I was correct which was accompanied by loud gasps in the crowd

 

I was getting confident.

I was in the last round with four people against me .

I knew these words all too well as if they were imprinted into my soul

 

The first person to go up got that word incorrect which moved to the next one who also got it wrong which move to the girl in front of me who managed to get it wrong as well.

 

I was trying to listen, but my blood was pumping too fast into all the veins in my body,

So I had to calm my breathing,

Until they called my name.

 

I stayed seated

Looked around and reminisced all the feet that have walked along this stage.

I’m the last one.

So,

I get up and carefully walk to the microphone.

I tell myself that this will be a

Piece of cake

Until

The judge said the word and I choked on air

 

“The word is happiness” he stated almost perfectly

 

I scratched my head,” can I please have the definition?”

 

“It is the state of being happy”

 

“Can I have it in a sentence?” I asked

 

“She struggled to find happiness in her life,” he answered.

 

My lungs are filled with water and I can only gargle up the pain

 

I clear my voice

Happiness

H..

A..

P..

P..

I..

E..

N..

E..

S..

S..

 

happiness

 

All I could hear was the buzzard that indicated it was incorrect spelling

I’m just afraid that I will never understand the meaning.

 

Jordan, 16, attends Gainesville High School.

Want more poetry? Want to share yours? 

Join VOX and Atlanta-area teens this Sat., April 29, at VOX-a-Palooza!

12-5 p.m. at The Rush Center (near Candler Park MARTA station).

Click here for details & to register. It’s free!