There I was, on a Greyhound bus leaving Union Station in Washington, D.C., with so many emotions swirling in my mind.

I felt like crying, screaming and smiling all at once. I was happy to have had the opportunity to attend Howard University, so I was smiling at all of the wonderful, beautiful people I met during the semester I was there and laughing at the hilarious memories we made.

But I also felt like crying, because reality officially settled upon me. I owed Howard University about $7,000, and I had absolutely no way to pay.

I could not believe was actually leaving The Mecca — Howard University.

I felt like screaming because I felt like a failure. I had one job — to go to college and graduate in 2019 with a bachelor’s degree.

Now,  I’m not in college and I let everybody down. I felt like screaming because I felt as if there was still something I could’ve done. I could have applied for more scholarships. There should’ve been a way for me to stay at my dream school.

All of this raced through my mind as I rode 13 hours back to Atlanta. Of course, my former floormates, now long-distance friends, attempted to lift my spirits by telling me they miss me and that I have to come back. My best friend Lydia told me she cried when I left, and that hurt my heart even more than I imagined.

What About My Plans?

All of my dreams were shattered, my plans ruined. I had my whole life planned out at Howard. I knew which classes I would to take, where I wanted to live during sophomore year. I planned on trying to make more memories with my friends instead of tirelessly working on my homework. I was going to be more involved on campus. I was going to actually explore D.C.. I was going to somehow fit a job into my already-packed schedule — with 6 classes and an internship at WHUR (Howard’s radio station). I was going to actually learn how to use the Metro (D.C.’s public transportation). I had a whole life shaped by going to Howard. Now, it was official: I was withdrawn from Howard University. I was extremely devastated. I had to accept this unfortunate situation and keep moving forward in life.

Where Do I Go From Here?

I felt stuck. Where was I going to go to school? I could always go to online school then transfer somewhere else.

Where was I going to work? I had worked for Taco Bell when I was in high school, but that wasn’t an option after we got robbed at gunpoint in December.

Where was I going to stay? My mom lived in-between my uncle’s house and my grandma’s house, which happens to be across town from each other. I eventually decided to stay at my grandma’s house since all of my belongings were there.

While my mother, grandma and little brother went to work and school, I slept on the couch all day. I binge watched “The Mindy Project” into the early hours of the morning. I felt defeated. I barely showered because I never went anywhere. All I did was eat and sleep. I was in a depressive “funk,” as I called it. I wasn’t in school. I didn’t have a job. I didn’t have any money. I couldn’t go out with my friends. I couldn’t even buy myself a bag of chips if I wanted to. I felt so worthless. All of my friends were in school. I felt like a bum. I felt like I was going nowhere with my life. I felt like I had no purpose. My cousin, even though located in Maryland was making sure that I was applying to jobs every day.

Living A New Reality

A few months passed, and now I am in a much better place in my life. I attribute my new attitude to many different people and things. For one, I kept up with all of my college friends through Twitter and Snapchat.

Secondly, my best friend helped me tremendously. He went through the same thing with another Historically Black College (HBCU) in Atlanta. We spoke every day and helped each other remain positive. We reminded each other that we will eventually go to school and accomplish our dreams. We both worked to support our various hobbies and business endeavors. He reminded me that I am smart, ambitious young lady and that we had a bigger purpose.

My situation is not very uncommon. According to Us News, “as many as one in three students don’t return after their freshmen year”. Personally speaking, Many people who lived on my floor never returned after fall semester of 2015. Some classmates of mine never returned to Howard after spring semester of 2016. Two of my best friends never returned to their universities after their freshmen year.

During this time of not attending college, I reflected. My family along with societal pressures pounded the the act of going to college into my head from a young age: finish high school with scholarships, go to college for free, graduate and become successful. This has been my mindset since I could remember.

Whenever a person my age was not going to college, it seemed as if people looked at them with confusion, disgrace and shame. I always wondered why a person would not want to continue their education. School seemed like such an obvious choice.

As I matured, I noticed that not everyone goes to college. I worked almost every day, since leaving school; I had two jobs at one point. I worked with diverse people, most of whom did not go to college. I did not look at these people with ill will. My coworkers were adults trying to support their families and businesses. Some of my coworkers said college was not for them; they weren’t interested in continuing their education when they had just completed four years of high school. Some coworkers were just starting to attend school were various reasons. Some people did not know what they wanted to do with their lives until they were more mature. Others had no desire to complete four more years of school straight out of high school.

College Earns Us More $ 

I am still planning on attending college. I love learning; I also enjoy being in an academic setting with various types of people. I also refuse to continue to work low-paying retail jobs when I know that my intelligence is worth so much more than that. Plus, a college degree has been proven to help people get jobs that allow them higher incomes. A study from State Higher Education Executive Officers shows that people with a bachelor’s degree earn around $21,000 more than people with just a high school diploma.

But I have also learned college does not define your worth. Just because you don’t go to college does not mean you are dumb, a delinquent or worthless. You might take longer than four years to get your degree; that’s OK. You may not even attend college; that’s OK, too. My path may not look like everybody else’s and that’s alright. I try to do things that make me happy such as hanging out with my friends and family. I want to be a professional journalist therefore, I write constantly in my free time whether that be articles, poems or blog posts. I definitely think that having a plan for my life helps me stay motivated. Some people are still figuring out what they want out of life which is still OK! Of course, I still feel sad from time to time about my situation; I still want to cry sometimes. I constantly remind myself that there are bigger things in store for me, whether that path include gap years or entering the workforce. Everybody has a purpose. I have learned firsthand you are more than your situation.

Keana, 19, enjoys Snapchat filters and listening to Chris Brown. She currently works at a frozen yogurt shop.